Poem.

I wrote a poem today because I had to, and sometimes, that doesn't go so well; today, it went well. I love when poetry flows out as easily as a story and with me it very rarely does, one of my motivations for taking my poetry course, pushing my limits perhaps giving myself the chance to let that flow become more frequent. Anyways, the poem. the poem was to be inspired by an object we were to bring in to class... mine never made it to class but I still had to write the poem and a fine poem it is.

Creature
Quit that racket!
Never heard nobody who writ' loud as that!
Pen or pencil suit jus fine,
won't wake a sleepin' babe neither!
B'sides got them fancy computing machines,
replacement of those creatures.
Why you be writin' so damn loud?!

Only some GET IT.
Writers.
A special breed.
Take to such creatures with their
loud,
clanking,
keys.
Hunching over them,
fabricating
stories, tales.
Master weavers of words,
the only ones to whom these machines
will concede.

Fingers force down their circular keys
with a
PUNCH
Advancing their carriage they,
regurgitate small black type eaten for lunch.

The writer writes away,
the haters of noise,
machine's outdated features...
The writer understands,
the elusive,
typewriter creature.

Psych-o-counsel

I honestly believe that to some degree people in the mental health and "life advising" professions like the power they hold over other people. Based upon experiences they seem to often divulge information at "opportune" or NOT SO opportune times, which really honestly have a grand affect on people's lives. This may be considered part of the therapy or a good tactic but in my opinion be upfront, if you have information or an opinion of value with which you plan to advise me, hit me with it, all at once, I can take it!

Bennington is grand. My guidance counselor...only sometimes....actually never grand just tolerable and to my liking occasionally. I feel so angry right now I shouldn't be blogging...plus the anger and frustration which came out of today's meeting is conjuring a migraine and it isn't looking good, I'm going to have to take migraine medicine. Ick
:-( It just upsets me that I got in to my dream school, my heart is already there and she was all happy and proud and thought that was a good decision all a long and now all of a sudden she's telling me I haven't thought enough and "is this what I really want...?" and she thinks it may not be the best financially despite the love, I might have to sacrifice in her opinion and blah blah blah. Bottom line: I'm not giving up my dream school for a financial aid package that saves me 3,000. not doing it. SO THERE!

TENS...nine...eight...

I definitely want to be sleeping but a particular monster, of the pain variety is making that currently impossible. Once personified as a fuzzy but sketchy orange character it's one of those nights where I'm hollering for him to leave me alone and he's laughing. I'm TENSing and it is helping, but nevertheless this takes time because although I could fall asleep with it on because it makes me feel so much better...that would be back. It has automatic shut-off! No fear! But...I'd probably get tangled in wired and rip the electrodes off...haha... BAD PLAN. So...I blog and wait for the monster to be forced into submission by the modulating electric current which honestly is comparable to a soothing massage. I loveeeeeee it. It still astounds me how electricity can take such intense deep rooted, ridiculous pain and soothe it into submission. Given, when I turn the TENS off relief could semi-remain or no-longer exist in any form. There is still hints of pain there, as usual, daily life around these parts, but the pain of the past few days, tonight especially, was getting to that going crazy stage. I mean my normal level would be that for most people so let's think a moment... no wonder I can't sleep. URGH. Of course it is doing its pretty color show too, bright reddish/purple and freezing cold, though a bit better since I showered and am TENSing. For those of you completely lost... we're discussing a crazy pain disease, RSD...learned about it...began the battle...going on 6 years this October. No breaks from pain ever, fun times. I don't usually whine about it, on the new "happy blog". the old blog focused on it, but I'm not "supposed" to do that. It is just what has led me here, to blogging this evening so, it is alright. I'm indifferent, same old same old, I know what needs to be done just annoyed, happens to the best of us ;-p

Support Women's Health- It Is Women's Month Ya Know

"Did you hear? The House voted to bar Planned Parenthood from federal funding. They cut funding for HIV tests, cancer screenings, birth control, and more, putting millions of women and families at risk. We can't let it go unanswered. It's time for you and me to stand with Planned Parenthood. Sign the open letter to the reps who voted for this bill — and to the senators who still have a chance to stop it. "
http://www.ppaction.org/IStandWithPP

Bookish

I just finished reading The Things They Carried and I liked it but it was in many ways puzzling. I suppose that's what I like and call "thought provoking", but I guess the jury is still out really on it. Definitely not calling it a favorite, am not completely blown away but it is still simmering. Next up is 100 Years of Solitude and I'm pretty excited about it! More likely than not I'll end up reading that and Jodi's new novel Sing Me Home at the same time but, I can handle it! I'm really enjoying my increased level of reading, I've missed it and it is really something I love so much, it helps keep me grounded I guess? I don't know? I just like it and it relaxes me while still stimulating my brain cells. Hoorah!

A quick list of must reads for you bloglings:

The Book Thief Markus Zusak

Forest for the Trees Betsy Lerner

Forgotten Fire Adam Bagdasarian

Plain Truth Jodi Picoult

Handle With Care Jodi Picoult

Milkweed Jerry Spinelli

The Giver Lois Lowry

The Soloist Steve Lopez

This is of course by no means an exhaustive list. I encourage the exploration of my Shelfari "bookshelf", which is posted at the bottom of the blog. I again also urge the exploration of the site in its entirety, so cool, I'm a bit obsessed! Lots of great books out there, get reading!

I though, must get sleeping, school is back. However only 104 days till high school is gone forever, so I suppose I could just suck it up and enjoy the time left ;-p

Night bloglings.

Readings Bs, Getting No Zzzzs

It's 3am and I haven't slept a wink. However I have finished an over 500 page novel that I was really aching to finish. I read about 250 pages today (well technically yesterday and "this morning") and am quite proud. I'm wanting to start my next book but it's hard for me to jump right in immediately...I mean after I sleep yes...or even after some hiatus of hours but just not immediately you have to kinda "let go" of the book you have just finished, briefly "grieve it", "kiss it goodbye" and then you move on. Next I'll be starting The Things They Carried which I have been meaning to read for quite some time now. I hope to finish it in like two days because I'll have a batch of new books coming (including Jodi's newest which came out yesterday...that feels like today cuz I haven't slept...MARCH 1st) and it's not a huge book, like 250 page range. and heck I'm on vacation! Found a really good quote today and it definitely sums up my approach to vacation in all its reading glory:

"I've never known any trouble an hour's reading didn't assuage."
-Charles De Secondat

I failed to officially note that I added a new cool gadget to the blog that being my "shelfari" bookshelf. Shelfari is a super fun website where you share with people what you are reading/have read/plan to read and can discuss books books and more books. Feeling very bookish these days...influenced by the site perhaps. Still feeling writerish as well, no fear. The noveling neurotic hasn't left the building.

The Ole' 1 2

I'm considering taking up boxing. Normally when looking for stress relief and fitness purposes one takes up kick-boxing I hear...but the kicking thing although super good for my core and my legs...not so good for the RSDness so not so sure on that one. RSD makes life interesting, you have to spin things to work for it but at the same time not be working for it, be living your life the way you want and to the fullest, not letting it be in charge. It is however, inevitable that you don't do things to put yourself in extreme pain...besides don't think my dad would back me on the "kick" portion... but seriously I have a good pitch for boxing! I need exercise badly, for one thing and for another I need stress relief, TA-DA! It is really good cardio and stress relief and my upper body and core would rock if I stuck with it! I really am quite pumped and game to try it...migraines permitting but, I think if I work on getting stress out and getting healthier, easing back in to exercise... they will ease their way out a bit? Hopefully. AH it is far to late to be blogging, far to "early" in reality. So that's about the bulk of the excitement I suppose. ;-p

WORD. le... :-) !!!

If you haven't checked out "Wordle", you definitely should! I love it! It's a really fun program used to make the above really amazing, "word clouds." These three are just some of the many I've made, mom says I'm addicted. I'm not, it's just one of those so "novelish" gadgets! These wordles are my common application essay, my novel "Home" and my story "Shattering Glass". You enter the text and it pulled out the most common words (minus things like the, as, is, etc) and makes them sized according to how often they appear. You can adjusted how scrambled the words are as well as the percentage of vertical to horizontal or just all over the place! You can also adjust the colors, background and words it's really really fun! Check it out! http://www.wordle.net

Curses

I'm not over-tired, just overly fed up. Ovaries are evidently somewhere in the range of grape-sized perhaps that's why they whine so much. HA HA HA. Not funny. I can't really get out of bed unless absolutely necessary because of the pain, joy joy. CURSE YOU OVARIES! More specifically the left one and the incredible trouble you continue to cause when I should have just told them to take you out SO THERE! "they" however are to blame too, "they" are terrible and can hardly be called doctors. I really am bitchy at the moment, if you couldn't tell, but even if I was less hormonal I'd still not advise their care. Patients are just generic to them because they could care less what is happening with me, I won't go on with examples, mother has forbidden "stressing, it makes your tummy worse." 0.o

Aye. I just am asking for a break, a mere day or two of school, yes school. Normalcy. Boring ole', normalcy. Being caught up with work and just marching along with the daily grind of homework and violin practice. PLEASE! I haven't played in forever...but currently, not being being able to sit up...is a large factor in that fact.

I bet this is a thrill to read, I bet anyone who had even begun has stopped by now... not that I intend to have readers, so that's my big hint to shut up and move on, at least from the blog rant.

Best of luck bloglings, in all that life chucks at your head with incredible force.

Two Roads Diverged

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equallly lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I saved the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somwhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that, has made all the difference."

My favorite poem and so incredibly meaningful in my life. I know it seems privy to say that poems can be written about your life when writing is really only meant for the author to know and readers to pretend to know, but sometimes it really feels that way. Things have been rough and it is times like then that I have to remember that being on the rougher path only makes me the stronger individual.

Life is no walk in the park, sometimes, for some people, it can be, but me, I'm not on that grassy previusly worn path where you can always know what is ahead. I personally think that a more dangerous path because you believe you can see what is coming and then the unexpected pebble makes you fall down...and you take that much longer to get up. Those of us, on the rougher road, know it is unsafe to think we have things figured out or that we're in a "good stretch", to take things as they come and always be ready for a fight. I cry about it sometimes but a blog like this is important because I wouldn't want it another way really, because ignorance isn't bliss. Ignorance is ignorance and it is a nasty terrible thing. :-p

POL: Poetry OuT LoUd

I'm super pumped for tomorrow and everyone else should be too. Okay...well no. Everyone should however be able to get excited about poetry, that's why I'm excited. Tomorrow I'm competing at the school level for Poetry Out Loud. http://poetryoutloud.org/ I got a perfect score at the class-room level and am really hoping to advance to the regional/state competition. This folks is HARDCORE poetry. In short the national endowment for the arts and the poetry foundation put on a huge ordeal trying to get people to understand and appreciate the artistry of poems. The point isn't the poem, it's the person and their words. Portrayal. It's all about the portrayal, conveying understanding, confidence and the proper amount of dramatics to bring the author's intentions to light. It's a rush, quite honestly. So I put fourth a challenge to you; if you are of age and have no before competed, DO IT. I'm not saying you'll end up in D.C with the $20,000 <--- Oh yea... the "grand champion" gets that... ha, but the experience is quite fascinating and FUN. One should fill their life with risks and such experiences so embrace it and as always SUPPORT THE ARTS in every shape and form. (-=

oh! and don't own the image rights btw... no harm intended ;-)

C-:

Guess whaaaaat?! C-: C-: C-:
Saturday I came home from a day out to see a giant envolope in the mail box, a giant envolope from Bennington College. A giant envolope inviting me to attend Bennington college. EEEP!

accepted!

I got into college... again. I got accepted to my fourth school and this time it's a bit more exciting. It's one of my top two schools... not THE top but the other and heck that's still very very exciting. I wish I hadn't had a migraine this morning because having not taken an "emergency" migraine med to knock it out of me I'd feel less zombie-like and more able to be really excited. It's a really good school and this is where it starts to get scary as far as finances are concerned. I'm scared to fall in love and be convinced I'm going somewhere and then it be honestly not feasible. I'm hoping I can find some scholarships and that financial aid offers are decent so I can go but, if not I have other good schools that are more in the range that have really good programs, so college here I came. I'm really hoping my health can get squared away and I can dive into this new journey full force. Still waiting on one very important letter in my mind but if it's not a big envelope I'll be okay I have options. So woo-hoo! HERE WE GO!

CameNo

Someone said, "Guess who was there and wearing cameo?"
And I said, "You just ruined my day."

Ignorance my friends is bliss. I love fiction and creating stories and putting people who have hurt me in very unfortunate places. I was finally becoming content that the kid who stomped on my heart many a times had his own heart and soul, frozen, solid under lots and lots of snow and ice somewhere in North Dakota with missiles and dumb air force stuff but no he's back in town. I'd say I'm not going to let him bring me down but I'm a novelist not a liar. Some say all novelist are is good liars and that my friends is A LIE. I am one of the most terrible liars you will ever meet, my parents know my life because I tell them it even when sometimes perhaps it'd be best if I didn't. I just get uncomfortable keeping things that really aren't necessary to be kept. I'm not a bad "secret keeper", bad friend but when it comes to myself I suck at keeping things under wraps. And so I will tell you I continue to let this stupid kid I never dated piss me off and tear me up every time he comes to mind or worse, TO TOWN.

Seeing him would suck. Just hearing that someone saw him, SUCKS. It's impossible to explain the extent of that relationship but I'll tell you this: I don't want his love or apologies I just want recognition that he was and continues to be completely unfair and downright a jerk. Immaturity being the main factor is what is most pathetic and man it is prevalent. The thing is, ranting like this, makes it seem changable, seem like I'm fighting for something. truth. These are facts. This situation is done but he's here and it makes me cry and I hate myself so much for that. I am so so pathetic for letting that happen because he is no good and I know it.

Ladies Night

Wow do I need to get out more. I'm so pumped to have spent a weekend busy and doing things with friends. I was in a hot tub with the girls till 1am and I'm damn proud of it. We never got to go ice fishing unfortunately but we have plans to go ASAP when the conditions are better. It's nice to get away and do crazy fun stuff and forget about dumb drama and exams and the future, just live it up in the now. I highly recommend Zumba for Nintendo Wii. Not sure of the game's exact name but it's amazing. It's a workout too and a little awkward at times but fun with girlfrannns. MAN I'm tired and still have my hardest exam to take after all the winter weather kept us out of class almost all week last week and evidently tonight there is a weather service warning about how cold it is? Yea so... brrr, glad I'm in my snuggy bed. Should edit or read but way to exhausted so the blog will suffice as something. Whateverrrr.

Sleep tight.

Dress Me Up; Tear Me Down

Went prom dress shopping today despite not having school due to snow... yea it's January and we're looking at prom dresses, big deal. It is a big deal because it might actually take me from now until June to find a dress that meets my likings and budget -_- The fat is the issue. I know it's annoying to hear about other's body issues but honestly going shopping for an event dress like that can bring you down when nothing zips! URGH. And stretch marks are evil, I've never had a stupid baby I shouldn't have stretchmarks! then I'm standing on the pedestal, dream dress and she puts a tiara on my head. She leaves the room a moment, I spot the price-tag. $389. Are you serious? I'm graduating and trying to go to an expensive college I'm not buying a four-hundred dollar dress. Oy! It's sad the craziness girls have programmed into them to be so "important", to feel so pretty and special, boys mothers get them a tux maybe a week in advance which if they're lucky has a vest and or tie matching their date's dress. They don't' worry. I, I'm worried. Not really about the dress but my body worries me more. Not fitting in big numbered sizes just cements my issues. These should be the happiest days of my life and it sucks when stupid FAT messes that up. I'm trying hard to not let it, to eat healthy as much as possible and get exercise but honestly unless I go crazy I don't see me losing weight and it honestly just sucks. So there.

Dressing me up just kinda tears me down. boo.

But heck no school or calc exam so that was a plus!

fwt @ S&S?

Still anxiously awaiting a letter from Bennington yet still steaming ahead in planning my future there. Every time I think about next year I'm at Bennington. I think about college and that's what I see. I had an epiphany about my Bennington journey too and I wish I'd had it before my interview! I want to do a field work term (fwt) at Simon & Schuster !!! I really think I'd love to be in a big publishing/literary agency doing editing, I'm pumped and I wanna dive right in and Bennington will let me. So comeon' Bennington! Let's go! Ready set life.

I should probably make it through exams first; I absolutely will. I also got into a poetry class for next semester which makes me happy because otherwise I was going to be "Englishless". I have a really pleasing schedule... other than econ, but it's a grad requirement much to my dismay.

As I talk about all these things it is real to me but then again it is still really weird to think about me graduating: cap and gown, not sitting in the orchestra playing pomp and circumstance. Going to prom seems weird too, despite going shopping for dresses so soon with my bestie. "Time, is an allusion." As they say on NCIS.

(-=

ist-ish

I'm feeling novelist-ish and artist-ish as of late, it's fun (-= I can't wait to get into some mroe advanced metals techniques and also do some more watercolor... I've been waiting on big watercolor paper I ordered for weeks now and need to hunt it down... I'm adding a few amaetur pictures of watercolors to the mix. remembering to charge my camera battery would help with the photo quality of my artwork because lately all the pics are coming from my phone. Oooops.

Had a fabulous day discussing my future with a close friend on her last day of semester break. I like living in the present and for the tomorrows and not wallowing in the yesterdays and wanting the todays to pass by. However I haven't grown anymore patient with college acceptences, I want to hear from Bennington RIGHT NOW. Everytime I think college I see myself there so when I'm not accepted, my image will need some major readjustments. I'm not a failure if I don't go there but I just want to know. Patience is not a skill it is learned supposedly but sometimes that is doubtful. Art though that's definitely all not skill because anyone can do it, no matter what people say about talent art in all its forms is for the creator and their "inner being" and man is it happy. (-=

Fences

Boundaries. It is unfortunate that not everyone is able to understand the invisible but very important social boundaries that exist especially when it comes to the Internet, I think that's something that is really important especially when it comes to blogging. I talk about a lot on here but I try to do it in a way that makes people understand I don't view myself in anyway as a special or all knowing being and also there is no need for people to know who I am for this blog to be successful. The Internet is a crazy place and I think people forget how unsafe and big it is. I also think the "virtual reality" which hangs out there allows people to have this false 'confidence" where they say things that they wouldn't normally, they lose sight of those invisible fences, those social boundaries and people get hurt and exploited. I think that people forget that the world is your witness out here so everything joke or not, in passing or not matters. I wish that people would be more mindful of the invisible fences because although they don't have barbed wire what is beyond them, what happens when people start mouthing off and getting to crazy out here that they get cut by razor sharp thorns.

*sigh*

Pendants

I'm super excited about my recent jewelry pieces, especially the music note. It took a lot of patience but I loved that I was able to master it! I am currently making another bezel setting piece with a bigger pebble stone and setting a sandollar and starfish underneath it, then there is also a heart cut-out in the base of the bezel-cup. It's very exciting (-: I'm very glad I chose to take metals II. These are skills I can continue to utilize after high school that I actually get something from it that I'll make use of! It could also save me some money in the long run, on jewelry, haha. I love these pieces :-)

Toothpicks. T.O.M.D.

TOMD- Toothpicks of Mass Destruction. I wouldn't try to win a war using toothpicks as your only weapon but damn I also wouldn't want to walk across a battlefield of toothpicks. I got one implaed into my foot yesterday and I still can't walk after it being ripped out by the doctor. I'm supposed to be "soaking it" and watching for infection. Oh joy! The most random unfortunate things seem to happen to me, honestly. I was just getting ready for school and bam I have a piece of wood sticking out of my foot, how often does that just happen?! Oy. So basically today is going to be a slow one. Nevertheless yesterday turned out fairly productive.

I got to hear how my part of the Bach Double Violin Concerto meshes with the other soloist's part and it already sounds WAY COOL. Of course it helps that it is my favorite piece everrrr. she says I rush and I'm sure she's right so today I should probably practice with the metronome :-p bleck. However they seemed to line up decently and we didn't lose our spots hardly at all, so with hardwork it will sound gorgeous, of course then we have to work on dynamics and balancing with the rest of the orchestra but I'm super excited about it.

Beyond that I got to novel a ton which was a long road coming. I totally re-wrote the prologue to Home which was desperately needed. Given, it is still not quite how I want it, but it fits much better and makes a lot more sense, chapters one and two however still need the most work and I am working on sifting through them now. I was supposed to meet with my one and only first outside editor today but due to my foot killing from the toothpick incident I decided to hold off. I figure this way I'll be able to come up with some more guidlines for her as to what I'm looking for and what not. I really think that after this read-through and both of us editing the heck out of it and me taking the time to actually do the re-writes that need to happen and take care with it, the draft that comes out will be SPARKLETASTIC. I think honestly I could start looking for a publisher with the next draft and that's thrilling, it makes me motivated to not cut corners with it, to actually think about what needs to be furhter developed and re-worked and do that as opposed to just noting it and moving on.

Novels, violins and toothpicks, oh my.
God, no more toothpicks, but hopefully lots of the prior.


Loveeeee. ♥♥♥

Acoustic, Electric and Everywhere In-between

I might be getting an electric violin! I'm so excited!!! Have no fear I would never be able to neglect my acoustic, the traditional violin holds a very special place in my heart.

♥♥♥

CoNfEtTi

Got accepted to a good school today (-=
They offered me a renewable $16,000 scholarship too so I'm feeling perdy darn special. It's still not my top choice yet, but, I'm hopeful. It's comforting to know I have options, a good place to go and it could be reasonable cost-wise as well. All I want to do is be an author but getting there is going to be a journey, part of that means immersing myself in the creative writing community of a school where I can flourish in other areas as well. So, I'm pumped, but also a sleepy novelist. I got my Robert Frost anthology I'd been waiting for as well. All the excitement as just tired me right out. So I leave only a short blog tonight.


MUAH! =-*

Five Star Endorsement For a Mere "Beta Fish"

I've always been a Windows user and I don't see myself becoming a Mac user although in college it seems as though everyone is carrying a Macbook these days; however some people still think of us Windows uses and for that I am thankful and giving my complete backing and am incredibly excited. What do I speak of?! Literature and latte and their amazing Scrivener software, it is the writing software of writing softwares it is the ultimate noveling tool and they are bringing it to windows. I've barely scrapped the surface of its tools and I'm dumbfounded at how awesome it is. I haven't even inputted a manuscript into Scrivener and I am in loveeeeee. It makes one feel so "writeresque". I mean duh, I'm writeresque on my own but this tool it is empowering. Mac users, BUY it. Windows users download that little "beta fish" and sit there waiting for the say you too can purchase it because damn it's great. (-=

In other news I'm really hopeful to be getting many "ducks" on the board soon having sent in a priority application to a school which is really interested and talked to my top choice via phone interview. I think they like me and that's beyond thrilling so I'm watching the mail extra close at this point. Hampshire also has a Feb. 1st notification deadline so I should be hearing back from them. Considering I applied to all my other schools the same time I'd expect to hear at least a little early so, EEEEEEKKKKKK. I mean, rejections, that's okay but it's promising to hear that admissions reps find me interesting and well rounded. Things seem to be toning down in terms of crazy college stress until the financial aid flurries hit shortly and I'm very content in having lightened my load at school, I'm feeling better...despite twisting my ankle and falling on my face in the middle of my hallway yesterday... ha. Skills. ah well.

Things are happening and it's exciting. Exciting is generally a good feeling. (-=