i know it's late but hell I don't care. I just reread my blog declaring my freedom and damn it makes me smile. it doesn't make me cry. this is so good. I feel so empowered, that I have finally self-motivated. I'm doing what I want and just looking for fun and excitement. I'm not worrying. i like not being worried. Of course some of that comes with me being on vacation but I think seeing people at school will also make me realize how far I have suddenly come. I've let go and wow it brings back so much energy and such a feeling of free.
I'm free, free free. hehehehe.
And I'm writing. I'm really writing prolifically at the moment and I take that as a good sign. A very good sign. Only 2 days until the big-tim. revision, editing. rewrites. and beyond! wooo. Okay it's really not THAT exciting but hey I'm doing it, that's the exciting part. I'm self-motivating.
I'm also blogging, at a very bizare hour because my sleep schedule is non-existant hehehe. I could use some friends time, vacation brings a lot of that family "closeness" which really drives you insane after a while. My sister is having people over so I'm thinking if I can tip-toe my way around mother (it's pretty much impossible) I'll get out and see people. It's so nice to realize I have people I actually wouldn't mind seeing and WANT to see. I especially want to see my bestest friend everrrr but she too is a busy girl so we'll seeeee. seee. seee. seee.
Okay wow, I need to stop. lol. I'm going to read, forrest for the trees. It's pretty good so far...well let's say, the introduction was a killer! haha. I think it's going to be really very cool though and perfect to "slide", (more like jump) into editing shortly. It's written by an editor...to writers. Pretty darn cool if I do say so myself.
;-p
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
WoManuscript!!!
I actually get things done sometimes, astounding I know! I printed a hard-copy of Home, this year's NaNo novel and for once I'm going to edit the right way. I'm waiting till after the 1st of the year (as I told myself I must in order to stand a chance at being objective) and then it's purdy editing pens and a 130 page manuscript and me, non-stop. I plan to read through once, marking it up, but not making changes, just writing comments as if I "didn't write it". then I'll read again, and work the feedback into the piece. And then once that's done, I'll read it and resist the editor (besides touch ups hehehehe) before sending it for publishing. (my free offer from createspace). I say that sounds fair and it also sounds like a lot of work. it has though indeed got me in the writer's spirit. I totally overhauled my writing space, which I have been planning to do for quite some time. I also gathered up my chunks of hard copy Forever Fighting and tucked them away. Someday I'll edit that novel... and I'm working on my working title from forever and a day ago Here Comes Trouble. None of the novels are related so I'm living in multiple lives and it gets a little nutty, but hey what better way to spend vacation :-p
I'd like to eventually get a draft ready for Here Comes Trouble as well but after the first, it's editing Home and schoolwork :-p I have until June to get it in tip-top shape then I fly overseas for the first half of summer. Upon my return...who knows what head space I'll be in, but certainly at some point a writer's one so...it may get done...before next November when i embark on yet another. finishing things, pshhhht, for the birds. lol. I will get Home done, I swear, after all my grandmother is waiting to read it :-p and I got the manuscript spiral-bound and new editor's pens. eeeeek.
Aw well, the excitement will pass. The trials and tribulations of a girl in a writer's head space ;-)
I'd like to eventually get a draft ready for Here Comes Trouble as well but after the first, it's editing Home and schoolwork :-p I have until June to get it in tip-top shape then I fly overseas for the first half of summer. Upon my return...who knows what head space I'll be in, but certainly at some point a writer's one so...it may get done...before next November when i embark on yet another. finishing things, pshhhht, for the birds. lol. I will get Home done, I swear, after all my grandmother is waiting to read it :-p and I got the manuscript spiral-bound and new editor's pens. eeeeek.
Aw well, the excitement will pass. The trials and tribulations of a girl in a writer's head space ;-)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
You never learned what it means to me...
It's time for me to admit a lot of things...things that have haunted me for far too long. I know the Internet seems not like the ideal place to do so and normally I'd advise people of that as well, but I have thought this through and it is. I need to make this information known, make myself vulnerable, make things real. I need to accept these things as reality. I need to do a lot of things and I NEED to try harder. for one, excuses, he doesn't deserve my excuses. He doesn't deserve me in any form, including my time or energy or tears. I mean it. I'm having trouble telling myself that but it IS the truth.
I've spent oh...almost three years trying to prove myself worthy when really now I realize, I always have been. I have always been more than worthy of him but sometimes people just don't realize a beautiful opportunity. People miss their opportunity, it happens all the time and I'm saying for real this time, his is gone. I will say I still want him to realize it so he can hurt as much as I'm still hurting. So he can feel so stupid and so worthless like he is, for not giving me the respect I deserve. I can accept unreturned love, even if it hurts, but it's unacceptable that I put up with the amount of disrespect from him that I did for so long because I was clinging to a friendship which I now ask myself...did it even really exist...should it have? I confided so much in him. I put so many hours of thought and energy into tip-toeing around what would hurt him, what would make him distance himself from me that I hurt myself all the more. and it's over.
the part probably most shameful in all this is that I never told him I loved him and I told someone else that. I regret that. I regret pushing aside (no matter how irrational, but real) feelings and telling someone that because I was doing something very similar that he has done to me to someone else and for that I am SO sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't realize it then, but if it counts for anything, I do now. Even if this person too has contributed to my lack of trust, my feelings of perpetual betrayal by the opposite sex, I should have known better.
I loved him. I don't now. My heart is still breaking but it will heal and not from his realizations, but from my growth and moving forward. I am worthy of respect and I am not looking for it from him any longer. It makes me cry, to give up on something that I tried so hard for so long to prove but the truth is, I'm growing up I'm realizing who I am and what I deserve. I don't think he's a bad person, I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who is a bad person, he's just hasn't found himself. I can't blame him for that but he is still responsible for his actions and under no circumstance am I responsible for them. I protected and tried to help. I cried to him. I dealt with insults, belittling that I took as jokes because I know somewhere deep down on a twisted and far away level, it was from love, but it still hurt. If on some level he cared it doesn't matter because he failed for three years to communicate any form of respect, gratitude. Life is a game to him. He doesn't worry about losing someone who would never lie to him. He doesn't want to accept the truth and I am always ready to. I am. And that is, it is time to be done babysitting him and to some protecting myself from hurting and to FORCE myself to growth and learn, to STOP clinging to someone who is NOT worth my time. No more unlimited chances because unlimited chances just means unlimited stabs at my heart.
Dramatic, yea. But, as drama free as I wish I was, this melo-drama has existed in my life for almost three years. It's nice to put it in print. To be able to hit, post and really kiss it goodbye from my head, my body, my being. To let go. To grow. To take my own advice and to live free from him. Free from Nick. Free from the trap I have kept myself caged in for so long. I'm giving myself a chance at something, anything and it's pretty damn exciting. Oh hell yea.
[And no I'm not mean, I'm honest and doing what is best for me and anyone who cares for me should be able to respect that ;-)]
thank heavens for realizations [no matter how long in the making]
thank heavens for blogs...no how matter how neglected... NOT FORGOTTEN. ;-)
It's time for me to admit a lot of things...things that have haunted me for far too long. I know the Internet seems not like the ideal place to do so and normally I'd advise people of that as well, but I have thought this through and it is. I need to make this information known, make myself vulnerable, make things real. I need to accept these things as reality. I need to do a lot of things and I NEED to try harder. for one, excuses, he doesn't deserve my excuses. He doesn't deserve me in any form, including my time or energy or tears. I mean it. I'm having trouble telling myself that but it IS the truth.
I've spent oh...almost three years trying to prove myself worthy when really now I realize, I always have been. I have always been more than worthy of him but sometimes people just don't realize a beautiful opportunity. People miss their opportunity, it happens all the time and I'm saying for real this time, his is gone. I will say I still want him to realize it so he can hurt as much as I'm still hurting. So he can feel so stupid and so worthless like he is, for not giving me the respect I deserve. I can accept unreturned love, even if it hurts, but it's unacceptable that I put up with the amount of disrespect from him that I did for so long because I was clinging to a friendship which I now ask myself...did it even really exist...should it have? I confided so much in him. I put so many hours of thought and energy into tip-toeing around what would hurt him, what would make him distance himself from me that I hurt myself all the more. and it's over.
the part probably most shameful in all this is that I never told him I loved him and I told someone else that. I regret that. I regret pushing aside (no matter how irrational, but real) feelings and telling someone that because I was doing something very similar that he has done to me to someone else and for that I am SO sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't realize it then, but if it counts for anything, I do now. Even if this person too has contributed to my lack of trust, my feelings of perpetual betrayal by the opposite sex, I should have known better.
I loved him. I don't now. My heart is still breaking but it will heal and not from his realizations, but from my growth and moving forward. I am worthy of respect and I am not looking for it from him any longer. It makes me cry, to give up on something that I tried so hard for so long to prove but the truth is, I'm growing up I'm realizing who I am and what I deserve. I don't think he's a bad person, I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who is a bad person, he's just hasn't found himself. I can't blame him for that but he is still responsible for his actions and under no circumstance am I responsible for them. I protected and tried to help. I cried to him. I dealt with insults, belittling that I took as jokes because I know somewhere deep down on a twisted and far away level, it was from love, but it still hurt. If on some level he cared it doesn't matter because he failed for three years to communicate any form of respect, gratitude. Life is a game to him. He doesn't worry about losing someone who would never lie to him. He doesn't want to accept the truth and I am always ready to. I am. And that is, it is time to be done babysitting him and to some protecting myself from hurting and to FORCE myself to growth and learn, to STOP clinging to someone who is NOT worth my time. No more unlimited chances because unlimited chances just means unlimited stabs at my heart.
Dramatic, yea. But, as drama free as I wish I was, this melo-drama has existed in my life for almost three years. It's nice to put it in print. To be able to hit, post and really kiss it goodbye from my head, my body, my being. To let go. To grow. To take my own advice and to live free from him. Free from Nick. Free from the trap I have kept myself caged in for so long. I'm giving myself a chance at something, anything and it's pretty damn exciting. Oh hell yea.
[And no I'm not mean, I'm honest and doing what is best for me and anyone who cares for me should be able to respect that ;-)]
thank heavens for realizations [no matter how long in the making]
thank heavens for blogs...no how matter how neglected... NOT FORGOTTEN. ;-)
Monday, December 21, 2009
Ruhe an der Umwelt
Heute abend schreibe ich alles auf Deutsch. Warum? Warum nicht! Ich liebe deutsch so viel und denke ich wann schreibt man es mehr...man kann besser reden. Ich müss gut reden! Ich kann... manchmal denke ich...ich kann nicht aber wann rede ich mit Elena, mein Selbstbewustsein sind ein wenig positiver. Ich liebe Elena sie ist für immer in mein Herz und das ist auch warum ich kann für Deutschland nicht warten! Ja, ich möchte das Kultur sehen und eleine (mit keinen eltern oder Schwester) reisen, esw, aber meisten zu Elena sehen! Und ihr familie treffen! Ich denke ihr Muttie sieht sehr gut aus und ist auch nett. Ihr Vater, denke ich, ist lustig und spaß. Ich habe nicht so viel über ihrem Bruder gehört aber wann er wie Elena ist... das ist natürlich mehr dann okay!!! :) Hehehe. Heute bin ich so viel aufgeregt denn ich habe mit Elena reden. Ich fühle mich da wann das passiert hat. :-p Ich bin lustig für reden an und an über keine wichtige dings aber... das ist MEHR EGAL! :-p
Ich liebe Deutsch und kann für Deutschland nicht warten!!!!!
GAPP '09/'10 JAWOHL.
[179 Tage bis Deutschland!]
Ich liebe Deutsch und kann für Deutschland nicht warten!!!!!
GAPP '09/'10 JAWOHL.
[179 Tage bis Deutschland!]
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Only So Sweet
The longevity of the pride and triumph which follows completing a NanoWriMo novel can only last so long. It is near certain that in that one-month minimum hiatus from that boggling book, you'll sink into a slump. Oh wow, I need a life.
I'm feeling wicked not depressed...but lacking in desire, or determination or something. It's this weekend that it has been this way. Honestly, it has nothing to do with the lack of novel but I could stand to be writing a lot more, it'd help. It has to do with denial and anger phases of grief. I'm finally making a very necessary detachment from someone I've forcefully kept in my life way past his welcome. I've never been treated exceptionally well by this person even though I'm the first one to make excuses for him. I've spent way too long trying to convince the world and myself we're meant to be together. I'm tired of living in a Taylor swift song and so I'm angry and mean and upset and just acting stupid. They tell me...on the other side of this I'll meet that complete detachment, that freedom that triumph once again and boy do I hope so. He's only holding me back. No, correction, my sickening attachment, my love for someone who is undeserving of my love, is holding me back. So, I'm letting the stages fall as they will and in the meanwhile attempting life tasks ;-)
OH MY GOSHHHH. I have a new found passion...unfortunately, at the moment I ca only take part once a week in this activity but let me tell you I'm addicted... hula-hooping. It sounds so trivial but I'm in a CLASS for it. I can do tricks. It burns 110-130 calories every 10 minute session. It's fun, exciting and addicting. I'm getting a hula-hoop hopefully very shortly because it's something good for me and I'm addicted! If only I could get addicted to not eating in such copious amounts... ah. I'm just going to hula-hoop more then I don't have to eat less ;-)
Oh wow. As it has been hinted at...I need a life, but hey I aim to serve, with useless bits of information in a blog which is hardly kept up at all...
I bid you adieu! <3 ! :)
I'm feeling wicked not depressed...but lacking in desire, or determination or something. It's this weekend that it has been this way. Honestly, it has nothing to do with the lack of novel but I could stand to be writing a lot more, it'd help. It has to do with denial and anger phases of grief. I'm finally making a very necessary detachment from someone I've forcefully kept in my life way past his welcome. I've never been treated exceptionally well by this person even though I'm the first one to make excuses for him. I've spent way too long trying to convince the world and myself we're meant to be together. I'm tired of living in a Taylor swift song and so I'm angry and mean and upset and just acting stupid. They tell me...on the other side of this I'll meet that complete detachment, that freedom that triumph once again and boy do I hope so. He's only holding me back. No, correction, my sickening attachment, my love for someone who is undeserving of my love, is holding me back. So, I'm letting the stages fall as they will and in the meanwhile attempting life tasks ;-)
OH MY GOSHHHH. I have a new found passion...unfortunately, at the moment I ca only take part once a week in this activity but let me tell you I'm addicted... hula-hooping. It sounds so trivial but I'm in a CLASS for it. I can do tricks. It burns 110-130 calories every 10 minute session. It's fun, exciting and addicting. I'm getting a hula-hoop hopefully very shortly because it's something good for me and I'm addicted! If only I could get addicted to not eating in such copious amounts... ah. I'm just going to hula-hoop more then I don't have to eat less ;-)
Oh wow. As it has been hinted at...I need a life, but hey I aim to serve, with useless bits of information in a blog which is hardly kept up at all...
I bid you adieu! <3 ! :)
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