Stupidity. Bad luck. Time. "Relaxtion?". Pain.
I sprained my knee...or worse. Now I have a lot of time on my hands to novel. I need to novel, it's time to stop being scared and actually get to work. So why am I blogging... dunno, to avoid to more. So I'll just stop, it's time to really do this. Let's do this!
<3
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Writing Oneself to Sleep
Going on three nights of insomnia. I do not like insomnia and I wish it would go away. People who have never dealt with it don't know. I want to sleep, really bad. I love sleep, but I just can't. part of it is a wicked recent onset of anxiety. I mean, recurrence, I'm medicated, hehe, and I've been doing really well with my anxiety for one of the first times in my life and the past week or so... not at all. it kind of goes like that, in spells. My anxiety is kind of like my relationship with my mother which in a sense is comical I suppose. Sometimes, we're really on sometimes we're really off. Anxiety and I and my mother and I. Perhaps I can write myself to sleep. Writing is such a tool for me in so many ways so maybe if I just write long enough I'll pass out from exhaustion and the computer will fall... oh man and wake me. I guess blogging isn't really aiding me in a direct sense but it is. I guess or at least I'll make myself think it is.
You big "advice" giving are saying well why aren't you trying to sleep right now. I'm not going to make excuses I guess I have no good reason besides being scared. I'm scared of sleeping. I always was as a child and into my early teens and finally I am in love with sleeping...but not right now. I'm also not trying because trying to sleep gets me. I have to just be able to fall into it, I can't try to force it or that plays up the racing OCD thoughts and anxiety so I usually read, work or write when I know sleep isn't coming easy. These tools are a blessing...and a curse. This weekend when insomnia was at my heels I was able to try and sleep and then if I couldn't work on schoolwork at odd dawn hours. The thing is it worked eventually. The curse being, it's a school night and sleep is very important. I hate that, now I'll be behind on sleep until next weekend because there's no way with my busy schedule I can catch up unless I miraculously have no work one night...let's just say, highly unlikely. Tomorrow night I also have rehearsal for a new community orchestra which I'm excited about but worried I won't make it too if I'm a dead-girl walking. Come on, cue sleep. Cue, sleep.
The Dalai Lama is a very cool guy. Honestly I'm way interested in Buddhism at the moment because of my studies on him. I made a mandala, it's pretty awesome and I'm rather proud of it. He's one of my insomniac tools, the Dalai Lama, I studied him for my civics project at 1am. The good thing is all my work is done in tip-top form. The bad thing is... that doesn't get me ahead, it just gets me where I need to be. You can only be so on top of things. Okay, I'm lying. I need to write a reflection to go with my art for my civics project but those juices just aren't flowing tonight. Nor are the noveling ones. Argh. the noveling ones really need to come soon or I'll be behind on that too. Sigh.
I like the book, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". I kind of wish we read it in AP Lit next year and not English 11, because I think it'd be way more interesting in that class where everyone had similar feelings and thoughts about literature like I do. Where there isn't the most obnoxious kid in the entire 2000 kid population of my school sitting behind me, making ignorant and very uncalled for comments. Sigh. I like ti though, it's very cool. I love the idea of Chief viewing the world in metaphor; I'd say its genius. There are some pieces of classic literature that just strike me the right way and I fall in love with them and others which I'd much rather stab my eyes out with needles than read. It's funny how things work that way in reading and in writing, and well life, how some things really rub you the wrong way while others so easily become your niche.
hmmmm.
<333
You big "advice" giving are saying well why aren't you trying to sleep right now. I'm not going to make excuses I guess I have no good reason besides being scared. I'm scared of sleeping. I always was as a child and into my early teens and finally I am in love with sleeping...but not right now. I'm also not trying because trying to sleep gets me. I have to just be able to fall into it, I can't try to force it or that plays up the racing OCD thoughts and anxiety so I usually read, work or write when I know sleep isn't coming easy. These tools are a blessing...and a curse. This weekend when insomnia was at my heels I was able to try and sleep and then if I couldn't work on schoolwork at odd dawn hours. The thing is it worked eventually. The curse being, it's a school night and sleep is very important. I hate that, now I'll be behind on sleep until next weekend because there's no way with my busy schedule I can catch up unless I miraculously have no work one night...let's just say, highly unlikely. Tomorrow night I also have rehearsal for a new community orchestra which I'm excited about but worried I won't make it too if I'm a dead-girl walking. Come on, cue sleep. Cue, sleep.
The Dalai Lama is a very cool guy. Honestly I'm way interested in Buddhism at the moment because of my studies on him. I made a mandala, it's pretty awesome and I'm rather proud of it. He's one of my insomniac tools, the Dalai Lama, I studied him for my civics project at 1am. The good thing is all my work is done in tip-top form. The bad thing is... that doesn't get me ahead, it just gets me where I need to be. You can only be so on top of things. Okay, I'm lying. I need to write a reflection to go with my art for my civics project but those juices just aren't flowing tonight. Nor are the noveling ones. Argh. the noveling ones really need to come soon or I'll be behind on that too. Sigh.
I like the book, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". I kind of wish we read it in AP Lit next year and not English 11, because I think it'd be way more interesting in that class where everyone had similar feelings and thoughts about literature like I do. Where there isn't the most obnoxious kid in the entire 2000 kid population of my school sitting behind me, making ignorant and very uncalled for comments. Sigh. I like ti though, it's very cool. I love the idea of Chief viewing the world in metaphor; I'd say its genius. There are some pieces of classic literature that just strike me the right way and I fall in love with them and others which I'd much rather stab my eyes out with needles than read. It's funny how things work that way in reading and in writing, and well life, how some things really rub you the wrong way while others so easily become your niche.
hmmmm.
<333
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