A New Year

I think it's crazy to predict what could come in the new year but rather much more exciting to kind of take it as it comes. I hoping for an exciting Bennington letter, to shed a few pounds, to have some happy times and be successful in some things but isn't that what all of us want? Tonight all I have to share is this, happy new year one and all make the best of every day because "life isn't about the number of breaths you take but the number of moments which take your breath away". Never forget to live for the day even when things aren't looking all that great, tell the people you love everyday that you love them, never go to sleep mad and always wake up ready to seize a new day.

Carpe Diem.

Welcome 2011.

The Beginning in the End

I just wanted to use a "Bones" episode title honestly so don't think I'm profound or anything or that I have something epic to say. I'm back for this moment, who knows when I shall post again, I know that chances of people caring is even slimmer but for some reason bloggling seemed appealing, soothing perhaps. Just writing getting a voice out there can be good for the writer's block...which although I don't have would be understandbale given my circumstances lately. I'm just getting back in the swing of life honestly and it feels good, like walking out of a really incredibly thick and long fog. I can read normally again and write at a normal speed. My brain feel pretty much normal not so like much and like things are getting all criss-crossed. I am however still a tad dizzy, quite a bit more tired than I remember and the headaches are still hanging around but I've never been one to demand time to advance any faster, often I want it to slow down, especially for my novel's sake. My novel. My novel that I speak of, is now a tangiable object to someone besides me. I have a manuscript box with multiple drafts and a for real proof copy in paperback from createspac with my own cover-art. It's incredibly exciting. :)

Also exciting is 're-learning' things you enjoy. Distance does often make the heart fonder which is why is sucks so bad to be apart: ie: reading, hardcore writing/editing, violin, exercise, blogging, etc. etc. LIFE! I sound as though I've emerged from a coma which is so not true and way over the top but hey I'm allowed to be excited I guess.

As for college that I'm allowed to be scared but it is also fair to say I am content with my decisions. I have been accepted to one school so far, not my top school or one of them at all but a school and I have lightened my work load the rest of senior year and decided it's time for some "me time" time to get my body and my "inner bean" and me and my best friend like to call it, in shape. It's time to get feeling amazing, because honestly who the hell cares if my school record is perfection if by the time I hit college I'm in a heap. I'd rather have a student jumping for joy ready to dive in, with hobbies and interests and health. So I'm working on that...
amoungst other things of course... so blog. Here we go, for another turn of it. I'm not going to plan I mean heck I'd like to say this is always going to be happy or productive or concern writing or have something good to say but no all I have to say is. Right now I am seeing lots of new beginnings and lots of things coming to an end and it's nice to just ramble on aimlessly, empty my headspace,

because in the land of novelists...

headspaces are terribly too small,

and crowded :-p

Long time no blog. hmmmmmm.

A Smidge of...

Stupidity. Bad luck. Time. "Relaxtion?". Pain.

I sprained my knee...or worse. Now I have a lot of time on my hands to novel. I need to novel, it's time to stop being scared and actually get to work. So why am I blogging... dunno, to avoid to more. So I'll just stop, it's time to really do this. Let's do this!

<3

Writing Oneself to Sleep

Going on three nights of insomnia. I do not like insomnia and I wish it would go away. People who have never dealt with it don't know. I want to sleep, really bad. I love sleep, but I just can't. part of it is a wicked recent onset of anxiety. I mean, recurrence, I'm medicated, hehe, and I've been doing really well with my anxiety for one of the first times in my life and the past week or so... not at all. it kind of goes like that, in spells. My anxiety is kind of like my relationship with my mother which in a sense is comical I suppose. Sometimes, we're really on sometimes we're really off. Anxiety and I and my mother and I. Perhaps I can write myself to sleep. Writing is such a tool for me in so many ways so maybe if I just write long enough I'll pass out from exhaustion and the computer will fall... oh man and wake me. I guess blogging isn't really aiding me in a direct sense but it is. I guess or at least I'll make myself think it is.

You big "advice" giving are saying well why aren't you trying to sleep right now. I'm not going to make excuses I guess I have no good reason besides being scared. I'm scared of sleeping. I always was as a child and into my early teens and finally I am in love with sleeping...but not right now. I'm also not trying because trying to sleep gets me. I have to just be able to fall into it, I can't try to force it or that plays up the racing OCD thoughts and anxiety so I usually read, work or write when I know sleep isn't coming easy. These tools are a blessing...and a curse. This weekend when insomnia was at my heels I was able to try and sleep and then if I couldn't work on schoolwork at odd dawn hours. The thing is it worked eventually. The curse being, it's a school night and sleep is very important. I hate that, now I'll be behind on sleep until next weekend because there's no way with my busy schedule I can catch up unless I miraculously have no work one night...let's just say, highly unlikely. Tomorrow night I also have rehearsal for a new community orchestra which I'm excited about but worried I won't make it too if I'm a dead-girl walking. Come on, cue sleep. Cue, sleep.

The Dalai Lama is a very cool guy. Honestly I'm way interested in Buddhism at the moment because of my studies on him. I made a mandala, it's pretty awesome and I'm rather proud of it. He's one of my insomniac tools, the Dalai Lama, I studied him for my civics project at 1am. The good thing is all my work is done in tip-top form. The bad thing is... that doesn't get me ahead, it just gets me where I need to be. You can only be so on top of things. Okay, I'm lying. I need to write a reflection to go with my art for my civics project but those juices just aren't flowing tonight. Nor are the noveling ones. Argh. the noveling ones really need to come soon or I'll be behind on that too. Sigh.

I like the book, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". I kind of wish we read it in AP Lit next year and not English 11, because I think it'd be way more interesting in that class where everyone had similar feelings and thoughts about literature like I do. Where there isn't the most obnoxious kid in the entire 2000 kid population of my school sitting behind me, making ignorant and very uncalled for comments. Sigh. I like ti though, it's very cool. I love the idea of Chief viewing the world in metaphor; I'd say its genius. There are some pieces of classic literature that just strike me the right way and I fall in love with them and others which I'd much rather stab my eyes out with needles than read. It's funny how things work that way in reading and in writing, and well life, how some things really rub you the wrong way while others so easily become your niche.

hmmmm.

<333

Now, Now, Let's Not Get Ahead of Ourselves

I'm going to finish editing tonight :)
Rewrites start tomorrow :)
CreatSpace will have my manuscript and design by June!
I'll get a free proof copy, cuz' NaNoWriMo is AMAZING.
Then...

I haven't given up on hoping and planning and striving to be amazing, but I think once I get my self-published proof copy of this here novel, it will take a little nap. I'll go to Germany and take it by storm. I'll tour my dream college in late summer when I get home. I'll dive into senior year and all it entails...and I'll certainly conger up something new for NaNoWriMo 2010. As for getting anything like big time published, I don't need to rush it...I've decided. Sharing my work with the world is a huge step and a scary one. It brings a lot of rejection letters that I'm just not wanting to be dealing with senior year. It will come and I'll have at the very least three "completed" novels heading into college. Thanks to Chris Baty and his crazy idea to ask others to join him in writing a novel in 30 days once a year. As for when you'll see it on the shelves...I'm not concerned. My day will come.

It's a new semester in the morn and I'm actually ready to do some work. Things are okay and I like being okay. My foot is actually horrendous...but a triple-over time basketball game tends to do that. I can't wait for my advanced writing class which is coming, it's going to be AH-MAZE-ING. I also...should not wait to wrap this up and finish that editing!!! eeeeeekkkk. Cuz after all even writers need sleep sometimes ;-)

Night, ya bloglings.

Late Night Ramblings... of an original cynic

Howdy bloglings. It has been a while. No epic, world shattering event has occur ed recently in my life, but I'm in a blogging type mood and there I some things I suppose I'd like to share. For example, read "Forest for the Trees" By: Betsy Lerner. She worked for some big wigs and I mean, like the awesome kind: aka publishers. She's an editor, like it's her day-job! I must say she's rather funny and clever and super-insightful. I'd say it's pretty much the guide of guides for any writer and if not a guide an enjoyable read, especially the first section. I'm not done...but I am done that section! lol. It gives her take on the different types of writers and it's pretty much a riot...because she's so spot on. Writers, all writers, are in some shape or form neurotics. That, plain and simple written down has given me strength people. I'm neurotic for a reason now :) lol. It's just fun too... I'd also like to say, through interpreting her ideas I've decided writers are the original cynics. We're way more willing to think our work sucks than to congratulate any bit of accomplishment. Sad but true! The editing though, of my novel, is going quite well. I'm 17 till the end on my first read-through and I have yet to rip anything up, touch the not-hard copy (the one in the 'puter) or cry over it...yet I've come close. There is some mighty fine stuff in there, that certainly I couldn't have wrote ;-) and some utter CRAP that I know I wrote! but I'm just unsure what state I was in at the time... lol. The original cynic folks, the original.

What else...hmmmmm. I don't wanna grow up. Does anyone? I want to grasp the world, but still stay snuggy at home with mommy and daddy to guide me. Hey, college will be an adventure but I'm kind of a scared little girl. I have plenty of plans and big dreams. I'm not stupid. I'm just, anxious, scared and perhaps slightly average. (oh my god, it shocks me too) I don't know, all this getting senior year figured out and taking big (STUPID, just to rank me amongst others...when a college should respect each individual as an individual and choose them based upon them not how they rank) !!!!!!!!!!!!!) standardized test... I mean...go SATs?, taking responsibilities and thinking about leaving home, it's a little much. But heck, I can do it. Maybe. Eventually. At some point... hopefully more successfully than maintaining a blog! :D

I love blogging, it's just one of those mood things. I think all writers write like that...maybe. Mood things, are a big part of writing. Psyching oneself out to think there are "mood things" is also a big part of being a writer...says Lerner. And ha...okay yea, she's right. We're a unique breed but we like to think that we entertain somebody. ;-)

Night bloglings.

With love,
Katarzyna...oh of those (writer) weirdos. ;-)

Carry On

Carry on wayward son! I mean daughter? I'm just flying through life and it's mighty fine my dears mighty fine. Okay wow...that was scary lol. I'm hula hooping :D I have my own and I can do some "sick nasty" tricks. I'm editing...which is gross, but also calming never mind, mind-blowing. The manuscript can physically be in my hands whenever I want...of MY novel. Yay.

Oh and I decided to stop forcing myself to not feel. I like someone; they're worth liking. There's not much more to it than that...I mean really, there doesn't have to be contrary to common belief.


carry on wayward bloglings, carry on.
;-* MUAH!